An emotional day

Mum's birthday,

I'm so far away.

Emotional and physical,

the pain pulls me closer,

magnifying the thoughts of being a tosser.

A complete loser, avoiding reality, like a rich kid with everything to loose, with no care and nihilistic intrusions, feeding my lonely delusions.

I'm so lost, not like before because I've always had an empty space in my mind, which I've failed to find.

Lost in a circle of addiction, self harm, neglect and aberration of what's become of my day to day.

Feeling like a hypocrite, I smile and sway my body through the motions, no clear feelings or at least all of them which I can't seem to understand, oh but they have great power,

the ultimate power to undermine,

what I thought was mine.

It's all in my mind.

A kingdom with no ruler, chaos and suicide fight to have power over my realm.

I try to stay calm, but the rain keeps falling from the sky that contains the heaven's I was brought up to seek and believe in, for nothing else is worth to keep, than eternal salvation at the cost of what I've become.

It's worrisome.

Keeping to myself, Isolated from life, people, conversations and connection,

I can't bare to face what I've done.

Everyday is a day for reflection, self torture in my mind,

damn you repetition, damn you hibernation, my entire time in this planet, life, essence is nowhere to be found, it has gone.

Deep and buried within my psyche, I know there's layers of trauma I must overcome.

It's not done, I've tried and made some progress, though I act like I'm flawless, I'm alone and struggling, feeling like falling into the nostalgic hole I kept spotless.

I do think that regardless,

of how I close down. Hide my frown and show a pretty smile,

Little lie to protect my ego who screams into the ether, begging to die.

So...What am I?

I piece of flesh and hair, thoughts, feelings, habits, regrets, spazed out and jerking from side to side like a white rabbit.

I feel arid, so close to the sun, burning my lungs as I inhale the greens which soothe me, relax my the part of me I refuse to become.

This is some writing, a message from my mind for everyone. Read it, feel it, ignore it I don't care.

I'm sharing this out there, it's too heavy to bare.